Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
