dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
