after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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