when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
