The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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