Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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