You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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