I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
