Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
