How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
