apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
