I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
