Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
