ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
