I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
