He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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