So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
