Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
