Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
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