I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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