when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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