chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
