true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
