if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
