Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
