The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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