We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
