Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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