I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
