watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
