you would pick up someone in the library
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
