shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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