I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
