so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
