i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she looked like the before picture.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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