Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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