walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
