haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
