You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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