after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
