I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
