I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
