I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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