just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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