First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
