i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
