if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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