We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
