non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
