does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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